The Counterintuitive Secret To Happiness We Prefer To Forget
In life as in design, could less be more?
I recently stumbled upon this great quote by Socrates.
“The secret of happiness, you see, is not found in seeking more, but in developing the capacity to enjoy less.”
How can this make sense in a world where so many don’t have enough, or at least, have so little compared with others?
Much like Alice’s white rabbit, Socrates’ ancient wisdom took me down a winding, snowballing path. I am sharing my conclusions here, so strap in if you dare!
I see Socrates’ words as a reminder that happiness is born in the mind, not in circumstance. In other words,
- If you can be happy poor, you’ll probably be happy rich.
- If you can be happy with average looks, you’ll probably be happy with good looks.
- If you can be happy with less, chances are you’ll be happy with more.
Obvious, right? Yet, we tend to fall short of proper implementation. Does any of the following sound familiar?
- “I just need a couple million dollars, and I’ll feel successful. Then, I can finally rest and enjoy life!”
- “I will feel so happy once I get my nose/boob job done! I will feel sexy, and feminine, and finally comfortable in my own skin!”
- “Our marriage is in turmoil, but a bigger house will probably solve the problem because we’ll have more individual space.”
- “I’ll buy the new Apple product. Then, surely, I can finally start working on that book I’ve been meaning to write!”
- “If only I could get the perfect partner, I would finally feel worthy of love.”
What do all these have in common?
Delaying happiness is the sure way to keep ourselves miserable
In all of the examples above happiness is delayed, conditioned on some hypothetical future event. But how long will you need to save enough money to get that boob job? To get your millions in the bank?
It will take you just enough time to ensure you’ll feel miserable for the rest of your life.
Here is why: Happiness happens in the brain. People who feel satisfied (not all the time, but at least generally) feel this way because their brain is wired to make them feel satisfied.
Have you noticed you have a lot of the same thoughts every day? Underneath the noise of your current considerations (answering the question you were just asked or grabbing your phone after receiving a notification), a sort of elevator music is playing in a loop: those are the thoughts you’d have if you were confined to an empty, plain white room for a while. That’s where the real you — your essence — resides. That’s where the origin of the “vibe” you give out lies.
What does your background music sound like? Is it telling you that everything will turn out alright, that you just need to keep going? Or, does it carry undertones of not being lovable, enough, important?
Truth be told, if your “elevator music” is tainted with negative undertones, the only way to gain a happier outlook on life is to rewire your brain. Each time you delay happiness to an uncertain future time, you are basically making excuses not to do the hard, necessary work of making yourself be happy in the present.
The present is the only time that exists. The past is gone. The future is imaginary. Hence, the present is the only moment you can be happy in.
But okay, fine. Let’s say you get the nicest pair of boobs on the planet, or that you become a billionaire. Will this make you happier?
Why would it make you happier since your brain is still wired the same way?
By imagining a glorious future and indulging in the positive feelings associated with this fictional state, you’ve shunned the only work that could truly bring you happiness in the long run. You’ve shunned the work of learning to be happy in the present moment.
Even if you work your way to the boobies and the billions, you’ll only have reinforced the original wiring of your brain because you’ve been coping the exact same way you’ve always coped.
And it will never be enough. Every time you reach a new milestone, you will feel a temporary sense of relief and accomplishment, but this will gradually fade away and soon enough, you will be back to the old you — to the good old elevator music. Dissatisfied. Unlovable. Misunderstood. Wanting more.
That’s because actually changing your brain’s wiring would have required you to fight your automatic, natural responses time and time again, over a long period of time, until it’d have become the new you.
Sometimes the worst thing that can happen to us is to get what we want before we grow out of ourselves
Let’s say you get all you ever wanted. Oh, beauty! Oh, riches! Oh, weekends on the yacht with Beyonce and Jay Z — heck, Andy Samberg and his box!
Of course, as you become busty or wealthy, people will react to you differently. They will treat you in new ways. Will they treat you better? No. The people who love you do not love you for your boobs or your money. You never needed those things to create deep, genuine human connections.
If you were an insecure and tormented person while poor, you will keep attracting the same type of people when you have riches and status — with the added complication that you’ve now become a prime target for toxic and ambitious characters.
Will you be able to discern the wholesome friends from the greedy sycophants? It’s unlikely since you never did the work to develop self-knowledge and self-love. If you don’t know yourself, how could you know others?
Now your so-called “success” takes on a perverse turn. Everyone around you seems to say “Wow, you are so sexy/successful/powerful! You’ve really made it, haven’t you?” Sometimes you believe it; sometimes you wonder “made what, exactly?”
Perhaps the people who truly love you — who see you deeply, rather than as a pair of breasts or as a pile of hundred-dollar bills — will decide to step away. You seem so disconnected from yourself, so unaware of your own emptiness that it is hard to watch for those who care.
The higher you go — the more billions, the more sexiness, the more success — the stronger the effect.
Should we all stay flat-chested and poor, then?
Mmm… How about a big pile of “uh-uh”?
This is not what I’m saying. By all means, pursue your dreams, find a great career, overcome your insecurities, learn to feel sexy in your own body, enjoy the rewards of your hard work. Life is a journey, and of course there will always be new avenues for growth. Simply, don’t make your happiness conditional on some future event.
The pursuit of material success is an outward journey. The pursuit of happiness is an inward journey. These journeys happen in parallel, and they are complementary.
If you do not develop a restful mind, you will not enjoy the fancy car and the accolades. But if you do not push yourself to exist in the world, to earn a meaningful place within it, it is unlikely you’ll ever be fulfilled either.
You see,
to enjoy the things we have — comfort, wealth, status, luxuries — we must first know deep within that we never needed these things in the first place to be happy.
Only then can our fear of loss vanish. We are free to enjoy what we have without worrying that it might go away, and even share it with others.
Indeed, as you grow more satisfied and grateful, the appeal of material wealth will fade. After a while, buying more stuff you don’t need loses its fun — isn’t there a better way to spend the money? Being a fulfilled person will change how you evaluate your choices.
The tale of life-changing catastrophes
Socrates’ quote also helps us understand the proverbial story of the person who undergoes a major traumatic event yet somehow stands before us years later to tell us this was the best thing that’s ever happened to them. They tell us tales of awakening, of finding purpose and happiness.
The story often follows a similar trope. The person was living a normal life, their identity shaped by the stability of their circumstances. Suddenly, something unexpected and awful happens. The event profoundly violates one of the assumptions their mind functioned on. They awake to the realization that everything can collapse at any moment, that there is no permanence of things. They fall down straight to hell.
Eventually, they face a choice. They can either rebuild their shattered self from the ground up by finding meaning in what happened to them, or they can stay in hell.
People who share tales of a second, spiritual birth are those who opted for the first option. Bless their souls.
So, when they say “Paradoxically, this is the best thing that’s ever happened to me, and I wouldn’t ask for it to be erased,” what they mean is that the experience of standing back up after being knocked down gives them a deep confidence that no matter what comes their way, it won’t be the end. And if it is, well, it’s not their problem anymore.
On the other end of the spectrum, there is a certain anxiety in having a life where everything pretty much went on track, without major hiccups. Call it “suburbia blues.”
You went to the good schools, got the job that pays, married early enough, perhaps got the house in the suburbs — yet, there is a certain disquiet about you. The anxiety of feeling like you’re walking a tightrope, like your life is hanging on by a thread. Like you’ve been lucky for too long and life might get painful any moment. Like you haven’t truly started living.
And so, the takeaway is —
Rewiring our brains for contentment is such a hard, tedious endeavor that often a negative and profound shock is required to provide us with enough incentive to do the work.
On the contrary, getting what we want only reinforces our ways, providing no incentive to change.
Implementing the secret to find fulfilment
As a corollary, the only way to be a happy person is to make ourselves happy now, in this moment, no matter what. We have to drop the worries, judgements, and anxiety right this second. Surrender to life. Think a happy thought. Connect with someone when we want to clam up. No excuses.
We have to choose to be okay now, and again in five minutes, and in an hour, and again and again until it becomes who we are.
Now, the past year has been challenging for all of us. In the days I’ve been writing this piece, I’ve also had to contemplate potential bankruptcy, surgery, and a less-than-glorious romantic life. But I won’t stop showing up to work, doing my evening workout, or having a good laugh. One, as Ben Horowitz brilliantly summed up, nobody cares. Two, this present moment is all I have. I can throw it away and let it rot, or I can make it my own.
When the Titanic is sinking, you want to be the musicians, living and sharing your passion until the last second. Why stop playing? You’re sinking anyway.
But when deciding to be happy in the moment doesn’t work for us because we’re not there mentally, then the best thing might be to heed Socrates’ advice.
We’re gonna have to try and be happy with less — less of what we want, what we think we need, or what we believe makes us who we are.
What are the crutches we use that we don’t actually need but are too afraid to let go lest we collapse and wither?
Is it being constantly in a relationship? Being complimented for our beauty? Getting drunk on our parents’ money? A relationship that looks good from the outside? Constant partying to avoid the silence? Material comfort? More clothes and shoes and stuff in the closet? Always being right in the conversation? Procrastinating the work that truly matters?
Whatever it is we are using to avoid the hard work of finding happiness, we are going to identify it and then cut it loose.
We’re gonna stay single for one year. We’re gonna find love while wearing no makeup and baggy clothes. We’re gonna refuse to get any more checks from the parents. We’re going to leave the relationship. We won’t attend any party for a year. We’re going to rent out the big house and live another life for a while. We’re going to give away all the clothes and shoes and do no more shopping than necessary for a year. We’re going to shut up and only listen until our next birthday. We’re going to take a month off with the sole purpose of starting the work.
We’re going to jump, and it’s going to suck.
But it’s also going to be liberating.
And it’s not forever. We know we’ll be a better person on the other side once our ego lets go of its crutches.
That’s why the secret is so counterintuitive. We have to do the exact opposite of what we usually do — what our energy-saving, fear-based brain would have us do. We have to actually ask for less. We have to remove some predictability from our life, which will inevitably set off the alarms in our head. I know from experience that it works if we can accept the inescapable pains of growth.
We have to change our circumstances so we can develop the capacity to enjoy less.
Are you currently delaying your own happiness? What events are you tying this hypothetical future happiness to?
Do you deeply believe that the realization of these events will make you happy in a way that is sustainable?
Can you challenge yourself to be happy now, as you read this line? Can you provoke this emotional state of satisfaction, of hopefulness, of contentment, of gratefulness, inside yourself? Try and do it. Try and do it every day. And if it’s not enough, you might need to jump into unchartered waters and force yourself to see that “less” is not the end — quite the contrary.
Disclaimer: This story reflects the author’s thoughts at the time of publication and will (hopefully) evolve and improve. It is not meant as a definitive statement.
